This might be what dying feels like

So at this very second it feels like I’ve got an alien chestburster hammering under my ribcage...sort of bottom sternum area. It’s only been doing this about 6 or 7 hours, and I can’t tell if it’s more like “heartburn” or “heart attack” in pain (sidenote: I know women get hear attacks differently than men). I have tried eating, not eating, drinking water, not drinking, drinking orange juice (for the record, that one was actually painful). I clearly have only one option left: get drunk. I’m hopeful this will mean I won’t care that my stomach wants to die.


I’m pretty sure this is my doctor’s fault.

For the first time in my life they did some blood work, and decided that I was low on iron. Historically, the blood donor place hasn’t had much to say about it. They have minimum standards for iron count and I’m always up.

So anyways, my iron is apparently very low. So now I’m taking supplements. Which suck. I’m not getting into the nitty gritty, but there’s weird GI stuff going on. Plus stomach cramps. You know, the kind where you think you’re going to throw up, but then you don’t? They just hang around being all like:
     “hey, remember how you sometimes forget to eat? this is probably that.” 
to which I say:
     “no stomach, we just ate dinner. Remember the orange juice you hated?”
     “right, let’s not do that again...k?”
     “fine. I’m thirsty though, can you stomach water?”
     “dunno....I mean, you’re being really petty. Are you sure you’re not hungry?”
     “fine. Have some chocolate wafer thingies.” 

I tend to give in on these battles, because chocolate wafer thingies are damn tasty. As you can see, maybe going to the doctor is a bad choice here. I’m going to wait it out, if I’m alive in the morning and not curled into a pain-ball, I win. If anything else happens we’ll re-evaluate.

In the meantime; I’mma watch Carnivale. Also, drinkin’.

Stealing things from the internet: Vol 2: The Return of Hackneyed Writing: I’m going to lose my russians.

If Wil Wheaton can manage to start up his Radio Free Burrito again, I should at least pretend that something exciting has happened somewhere.



SO: Spend about 40 minutes listening to Wil: http://radiofreeburrito.com/2012/03/index.html  


Uh, I bought one of those tablet thingies. It’s cool and makes me believe yet again that we live in the future.
I’m super excited that the Hunger Games is impending in movie-land...just like every 14 year old out there. 


Community is back on the tv! About damn time NBC.



Hanna Hart did an MRE episode where she attempts to “eat” some military “food”. It goes as expected, I can’t decide whether Bud Light helped or hurt:

I’ve been slacking at life...worked at being better at ukulele, as that’s obviously an important life skill.  I am still reading the longest Stephen King book ever; The Stand: The Complete & Uncut Edition just.  keeps. going.  I mean, it’s really a solid read, it just never ends.  I’ve been reading it so long I got a cold, thought I would die (because that’s how it all starts in the book) and recovered with little fanfare and equal parts embarrassment and disappointment.  At 1152 pages Wikipedia tells me it’s 10 pages longer than his other epic: It.  (Un?)fortunately I already bought the movie for about $5 and so will be unlikely to read it.  Really I'm just saving myself a lot of time.


Oh, which brings me to Hearts in Atlantis which is really so much better than the movie and entirely worth reading, though the title really only pertains to the...second? story...which makes it a strange title for the movie, and also explains why it makes significantly less sense as a movie than it does as a collection of vaguely related stories.  If you’ve had no experience with either, read it first then watch the movie (if you feel like you have to). 


Ugh, coming up with nothing is challenging and I’m not into it today.  The winter that never was looks like it’s ended here, and with my natural comic timing, this can only mean that there will be a massive snow squall rip across the city tomorrow. 


In related news my comedic timing goes something like this:


Step 1: make vaguely inappropriate joke
Step 2: get tepid-at-best response, complete with awkward glances
Step 3: watch something terrible and entirely related to my joke happen
Step 4: feel like an insensitive shitbag
Step 5: repeat 1-4 as necessary.  


At this point I think I’ve checked Facebook 14 times in the last 20 minutes.  Nothing has changed.  Obviously I want to be done here.  I’ll try to come up with better stuff soontimes.

Cool stuff on the weebs

Hey so it's been a while and I have no excuse.  All two of my followers have probably lost interest, so this is really pointless.  Can't win 'em all, turns out life is not at all like cheating at cards. 



SO
Internet things you should know about:

My Drunk Kitchen...Hannah Hart is fucking ridiculous.  I have a very real desire to meet this classy broad in a not at all creepy way.  I had a hard time choosing which episode to include here, so you get to watch pizza.  I hope it's a good choice.  This comes with the recommendation to watch them all.  Because she swears like I do and it makes me feel better about making drunk apple cobbler.

There is also a music video.  Watch that for added puns and hilarity.  This is why god made internet happen...well, this and porn.  Put that in your brain.

Ok great...also, for you theatre nerds of which there are....probably more than one that read this thing by accident; I spread the joy of "Stage Manager Ryan Gosling" which makes me feel better about loving sticky notes and sharpies both as individual units and as combo-packs:

http://standbyheygirl.tumblr.com/

Bo Burnham is a funny dude, this is probably NSFW.  He's a little offensive but also deliciously punny.  I guess the moral here is that the internet is more for puns than the porn part....unless someone makes a porn pun website...then the cycle is complete.  This makes me wonder about internet christians.  Do they wander around like the only guy that didn't get laid in Sodom and Gommorah?  Let me tell you, the internet is not penitent:

 

Welp, hope this was an adequate slacker post for everyone. See you next time.