Theodore Roosevelt is my Power Animal

 Seriously, look it up. Dude’s a badass. He was sickly as a kid (because it was the 1800’s they could say that) so he decided to just get over it. Yes, decided that asthma didn’t matter. He’s the one you see riding a damn moose in the middle of the lake. He’s one of three presidents that won a Nobel Peace Prize. He was a legit cowboy and everyone knows “speak softly and carry a big stick.”  Oh, and someone tried to assasinate him. Wikipedia says this:

"Roosevelt, as an experienced hunter and anatomist, correctly concluded that since he was not coughing blood, the bullet had not completely penetrated the chest wall to his lung, and so declined suggestions he go to the hospital immediately."

 This is why, when choosing a power animal...I couldn’t. Mere animals cannot compare. Next time, don’t channel a damn polar bear. Channel Theodore “Ultimate Badass” Roosevelt.  (There's actually a lot more that this fellow managed to do...but you should look into it on your own...you know, because I've got distracted.)

On an unrelated note, in my next life I would like to be this Otter:

Damn you Paul....

Well, this is probably entirely Paul’s fault (over at WWWWD) because he mentioned I had a blog. Frankly, I thought I was doing a great job of forgetting about it.
So anyways, updating the updates....I recently changed absolutely nothing about my life...wait, I did buy a new belt at Winners, so...that’s a thing.

I’ve been watching TV lately because my internet has been not so hot super shitty and let me tell you: TV sucks lately.
I’m mostly watching storage wars, and hoping for a Matthew Broderick movie to be on. Yesterday it was “Election.” I didn’t bother finishing. Also watching season three of Golden Girls. Because it’s there. I finished another art piece which I will probably post later. I’m a little worried because I don’t have another job lined up after August, but that generally works out on it’s own.

So....internet, if you or someone you know has a long term job that you think I could do...let me know.

Unless you want to pay me for this, then I’ll definitely start giving a shit.  

But seriously, I should probably work on exercising more, because I haven’t been doing so, and it makes me feel like a fat ass. Especially since the Olympics are on and they're all clearly trying much harder than I ever have. Maybe I’ll go for a walk tomorrow.  

Oh, and about the job thing....nothing skeezy internet. I’ve seen things. I am doing none of those. You’ve been warned. 

An Unlikely Movie Review

Things being things...it’s the long weekend. There’s fireworks everywhere and I can tell I’m not getting to sleep when I want to. SO....last....yesterday I went with my grandmother to see “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.”

Here’s the clincher; it’s not for my demographic. At all. A surprisingly easy way to note this, is that I was the youngest person there...by a reasonable margin. A woman standing in line in front of me tried to give me a flyer to use as a “hat” while we all waited outside. By “tried” I mean, “placed on my head, and waited for me to thank her” I think she meant well.

That being said, the movie itself was surprisingly good. Charming and british and all that. It has the “Slumdog Millionaire” kid and the parents from “Shaun of the Dead.” (In case you don’t know, that means Dev Patel, Bill Nighy, and Penelope Wilton. In that order.) The whole thing is a good reflection of how getting older isn’t necessarily the same thing as waiting to die. Which is an important point, just about all the time.

Oh, and Judy Dench is in it too, so that’s cool. Maybe wait until it’s on Netflix.

Yep, this is the whole post. Totally worth waiting for, right? Just wait for the one about the sticky notes on my wall. That shit will be epic.*


*Note: clearly not epic.

Another art piece...

A bit of a gimme post here...Just tossing this up, I'm hopeful that you can squint and see what's going on:

or, you know...maybe it's pretty obvious. As always, up for sale.

Stealing things from the internet: Vol 2: The Return of Hackneyed Writing: I’m going to lose my russians.

If Wil Wheaton can manage to start up his Radio Free Burrito again, I should at least pretend that something exciting has happened somewhere.



SO: Spend about 40 minutes listening to Wil: http://radiofreeburrito.com/2012/03/index.html  


Uh, I bought one of those tablet thingies. It’s cool and makes me believe yet again that we live in the future.
I’m super excited that the Hunger Games is impending in movie-land...just like every 14 year old out there. 


Community is back on the tv! About damn time NBC.



Hanna Hart did an MRE episode where she attempts to “eat” some military “food”. It goes as expected, I can’t decide whether Bud Light helped or hurt:

I’ve been slacking at life...worked at being better at ukulele, as that’s obviously an important life skill.  I am still reading the longest Stephen King book ever; The Stand: The Complete & Uncut Edition just.  keeps. going.  I mean, it’s really a solid read, it just never ends.  I’ve been reading it so long I got a cold, thought I would die (because that’s how it all starts in the book) and recovered with little fanfare and equal parts embarrassment and disappointment.  At 1152 pages Wikipedia tells me it’s 10 pages longer than his other epic: It.  (Un?)fortunately I already bought the movie for about $5 and so will be unlikely to read it.  Really I'm just saving myself a lot of time.


Oh, which brings me to Hearts in Atlantis which is really so much better than the movie and entirely worth reading, though the title really only pertains to the...second? story...which makes it a strange title for the movie, and also explains why it makes significantly less sense as a movie than it does as a collection of vaguely related stories.  If you’ve had no experience with either, read it first then watch the movie (if you feel like you have to). 


Ugh, coming up with nothing is challenging and I’m not into it today.  The winter that never was looks like it’s ended here, and with my natural comic timing, this can only mean that there will be a massive snow squall rip across the city tomorrow. 


In related news my comedic timing goes something like this:


Step 1: make vaguely inappropriate joke
Step 2: get tepid-at-best response, complete with awkward glances
Step 3: watch something terrible and entirely related to my joke happen
Step 4: feel like an insensitive shitbag
Step 5: repeat 1-4 as necessary.  


At this point I think I’ve checked Facebook 14 times in the last 20 minutes.  Nothing has changed.  Obviously I want to be done here.  I’ll try to come up with better stuff soontimes.

Internet Christians make me so....Changry!

Ok first, if you didn’t get that joke...go here (psst. It's youtube!)


Second. Internet Christians are fucked up. Listen, I understand that you like something you call god. You like it a lot. Right on. Good for you. Now here’s the trick. I was raised pretty Catholic. There’s something you didn’t know but probably-sort-of inferred because unlike you, I’m not really into bragging about religion. Here’s what I think: As a “christian” you haven’t bothered to make a real choice. Christianity is a giant umbrella under which specific things exist. Saying “Oh, I’m a Christian” is like saying “oh, I’m an indecisive moron. I believe everything a church doctrine says and will hate gays until the end of time.” Here’s another trick; Jesus didn’t hate anyone. Not one fucking person. He didn’t even find them mildly annoying. There might have been some misguided pity, but really he just figured everyone was equal. Everyone. For you right-wingers that includes the gays, for instance.


There’s a good target. Let’s believe gay folks are wrong. Wait, no because I heard once that some church-thing says that judgement is wrong. Something about “Let one without sin cast the first stone.” Let me tell you, none of us are without sin. That’s the legal jargon of the bible. NOBODY gets through this world without some sort of sin.


For those who skipped religion as a whole class; let’s review the Decalogue shall we?
Ps. That’s the Ten Commandments homeslice. I’ma punk out for a while. See you after all these “rules”

1. “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6. “You shall not murder.
7. “You shall not commit adultery.
8. “You shall not steal.
9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”

Cool, so to cover the bases the really important parts (which is why they’re commandments) basically fulfill god’s ego, keep a fanbase, and make you take a weekend. Oh, and try to be a good person. You know, just don’t suck.


So Internet here’s the critical points as far as I’m concerned:

1. Nobody says anything about hating gays. Back the fuck off.
2. Nobody says anything about how you’re better than anyone else. Back the fuck off.
3. Try to swear about god less. You know, as a precaution.
4. Take a day off. Even psychopaths take a day to relax once in a while.
5. Don’t fuck with your parents. They raised you, and since you’re alive they probably didn’t do so bad. That job did not come with a how-to guide.
6.  Don’t actively kill people. Pretty obvious, right? Oh, right. War. Fucked that up. Again.
7.  Don’t actively fuck people that are attached to others. This includes “conventionally married couples,” “gays,” “asexual partnerships,” and other “complicated relationships” that I’ve missed (sorry folks, I mean well. Keep me up on the lingo!)
1. to be fair, don’t passively fuck them either. I’m not sure that’s any better for your karma.
2. ps. if you don’t think anything after “conventionally married couples” is worth considering, then what’s “convention” really worth?
8. Don’t steal. This includes corporations. It’s bad for everyone. How would you feel if one day you woke up and everything you owned was gone because someone else decreed that they needed it more? Just think about other people, ok?
9. Don’t lie. In the US the 5th Amendment deals with this in a way. What the burning bush wants here is just be honest. The skin you save may be your own.
10. Stop keeping up with the Joneses. They’re not paying attention anyway. Moreover if they are, do the seriously not have anything better to do? Go do your own thing. But be a decent human being while doing so.

And that’s it. Get the message?


God doesn’t care if you’re gay.
He doesn’t care if you make a six figure salary.
He doesn’t care about what colour shirt you wear.
He doesn’t care that your child is going into pre-school with those “heathens.”
He’s pretty sure we’re all equal. Everyone. Why are you entitled to happiness but that guy or girl isn’t just because they don’t like the same things you do?
I hate American Idol. Does that make me a sinner?  So why is the kind of person I choose any more relevant?


Moreover, why does it change your life in any significant way?
If you say you’re entitled to cast that first stone, you’re lying. We’re all lying.


It’s how we do.


Oh, and before I fuck off to hang with the heathens, think about this:
The word of god is the word of god. The word of the church is man trying to make sense of it.


Posse out.
Do I need to point out that man is inherently fallilble, or did I imply that enough?
-Rhetoric OUT.

Cool stuff on the weebs

Hey so it's been a while and I have no excuse.  All two of my followers have probably lost interest, so this is really pointless.  Can't win 'em all, turns out life is not at all like cheating at cards. 



SO
Internet things you should know about:

My Drunk Kitchen...Hannah Hart is fucking ridiculous.  I have a very real desire to meet this classy broad in a not at all creepy way.  I had a hard time choosing which episode to include here, so you get to watch pizza.  I hope it's a good choice.  This comes with the recommendation to watch them all.  Because she swears like I do and it makes me feel better about making drunk apple cobbler.

There is also a music video.  Watch that for added puns and hilarity.  This is why god made internet happen...well, this and porn.  Put that in your brain.

Ok great...also, for you theatre nerds of which there are....probably more than one that read this thing by accident; I spread the joy of "Stage Manager Ryan Gosling" which makes me feel better about loving sticky notes and sharpies both as individual units and as combo-packs:

http://standbyheygirl.tumblr.com/

Bo Burnham is a funny dude, this is probably NSFW.  He's a little offensive but also deliciously punny.  I guess the moral here is that the internet is more for puns than the porn part....unless someone makes a porn pun website...then the cycle is complete.  This makes me wonder about internet christians.  Do they wander around like the only guy that didn't get laid in Sodom and Gommorah?  Let me tell you, the internet is not penitent:

 

Welp, hope this was an adequate slacker post for everyone. See you next time.