This one’s probably not a winner: Zebras - What was evolution trying to prove?

So here’s how I think it probably went down.



Aside from that whole random genetic mutation thing, there’s these guys that I like to call the “evolution team.”  They probably have matching shirts or something.  So like most companies, they’ve got ‘nose to the grindstone’ guys who do things to spec and all that... 


Then there’s the zebra guy.  He was probably told to build horses or something. 


Anyways, so he probably got bored because, let’s face it: horses are pretty much all the same.  “This one gets hairy feet...”  “fine, fine”  “This one’s really tiny.”  “yeah, yeah...”


But zebras! They were left to the guy with the ill fitting jumpsuit that just never gets clean. So I feel like it went something like this:


“Dude”
“I know, right?”  he says with a sheepish grin
“What the fuck is that?”
“It’s a horse, man!”
“...That’s not at all what a horse looks like.”
“It’s close though, right?” As he shuffles his feet, looking desperate
“Well, you got the chassis down...”
“It’s the racing stripes, right?”
“The what?”
“Racing stripes...makes it go faster.”
“...We haven’t invented half those things yet.”


But lo, it was awesome.  And Todd, the Evolution Guy invented the zebra.  It was said that they befuddled many a cheetah with their incongruous speed, for fast it did appear though they were no harder to catch.  Though the cheetah did note the stripey meat to be tastier than their solid coloured brethren. 


Todd didn’t last long as an evolutioneer, what with his artistic flair, but before he left he gave us a few gifts; we have Todd to thank (incidentally) for both “intelligent design” folks and the human eye (probably humans entirely) which I’ve been led to believe is a foundation of the “irreducible complexity” issue.


Thanks Todd.

Turns out 6 Posts is Sort of my Limit (also something about Llamas?)

Ahh...crap.  So this gets harder when you don’t have any new zombie news, which (by the way) I attribute to halloween being over.  Thanks “Holiday.”  More importantly though, I don’t want my strange visitors from Russia getting the wrong idea about this thing.  Also, I don’t want to get yelled at in Beer Club tonight.  So post time it is...Huzzah.


Seriously though, Russia how did you find me?  I tried the search engine that “apparently” brought you here and I’m not in the first FIFTY PAGES...at least!  I got distracted after that.  Welcome anyway.  I didn’t mean to single you out, but I’m nearly certain that I don’t know anyone in Russia...although I’m not putting it past anyone to have tabs on me.  We may be in another cold war for all I know.  


ps. if we go all cold war in like...2 weeks... It is not my fault, and no matter how you slice it I’m never going to admit I “called it”  That’s how you wake up dead.  I’ve seen Police Academy 4.  This shit goes down ALL THE TIME.  That needed both capitals and italics; because I’ve decided that’s the sarcasm mark, which made me look up tilde’s where I actually meant schwa.  ALL because I wanted to share the schwa llama with you because the Internet needs more llamas and memes (half that statement is true).  Llama! 

And for everyone hiding under a rock for the past eleventeen years (it was louder than I expected, notch down on your volume a tad):

Ok. THAT may have started the cold war back up...just now.  Must be Thursday.


This is how my brain works.  Get used to it people.

Finished another...whatever.

Someone, buy this stuff...it's starting to build up like an unhealthy addiction. Place your bets.

Why the Zombie Apocalypse is Good for America

• Reduce overcrowding: not everyone gets to be a zombie or a survivor. Some (un)fortunate souls get to actually die.
• If it spreads anything like the plague it’ll wipe out the big centres first; farmers can probably keep generating food for a while and we can stop worrying about the economy because New York and LA are just hotbeds of disease. Zombie Disease.
• It’s like a war. Which, you know, always boosts the economy...right? *ahem*
• You’ll probably stop hearing from religious fanatics: They’ll assume it’s armageddon (which it could be) and try to get ‘saved’ (whatever that entails) which as far as I’m aware usually involves ‘leaving this world for another’ everyone wins.
• If those guys are gone, you can probably have their guns. Which is good. You’ll ned them to keep the horde at bay.
• Illegal immigrants will find a much more hostile welcome than guns and barbed wire. It’s almost like a security system if you can trap them zombies between the fences.
• You’ll make friends. Nothing brings a country together like being the sole survivors.
• You will probably meet the guys that cut themselves off from civilization during the cold war. They will teach you things it took them years to figure out. Fast-track your education.
• Housing prices will drop.
• You won’t have to worry about all that national debt.
• That pesky obesity ‘epidemic’ seems really like a moot point. The ones that can’t run will probably die. The ones that can will suddenly find their cardio workout very important.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (no, the real one.) Sort-of review

In true halloween spirit, I decided to start watching the natural favourite scary movies.  Now, I’m not so much talking about the Saw series, or Paranormal Activity or anything.  The ones I manage to have are apparently considered classics.  Nightmare on Elm Street apparently falls into this category.  Apparently.


So I jotted down some notes that I’m going to share here:

•  I forgot Johnny Depp was in this movie!  I’m relieved he shows no pirate tendencies and I’m led to believe that he didn’t get drunk or ask for rum even once.  So thanks for actually acting in this one.
•  In spite of the apparent underage pre-marital sex (this was 1984 after all) Tina totally got what she deserved.  Something impales itself in your window and the first thing you think is “oh, I’m going to see what’s creeping around my backyard trying to kill me.”  I know this particular subgenre was kind of underexplored by this point, but come on.  Having sex doesn’t destroy your logic that way.  Go have a Psycho shower instead.
• I just remembered Evil Dead already existed by this point.  Fail Tina, just fail.
• All these people have the worst parents ever. Oh, turns out one’s a drunk; bonus. That explains it. I wonder what they’d react like if their kid came home after a shootout at school. “it’s in your head sweetie. Here, have some vodka, get some sleep.”
• When Nancy ends up in a sleep clinic what the hell do they think they’re going to measure with an electrode in her jaw? They know picking up radio signals with fillings is a hoax...right?
• AND they try to get her to sleep again? Clearly they’re not seeing the big picture here. Sleep was the problem in the first place. Geez. Get a clue "science."
• Glen is now officially the worst sidekick ever. “Just stay awake” is your only instruction, and you’re a teenager, and you can’t bother to stay awake past midnight?! Clearly the director never had a conversation with an actual teenager.
• I am impressed at Nancy’s work ethic while mom’s passed out on booze. Wait. Why is she tucking mom into bed? Where was drunkie while her daughter was making crazy noise? Worst parent ever.
• But she’s forgiving her...clearly we’ve missed a scene in here somewhere...right?
• HOW IS MOM ASLEEP THROUGH ALL THIS?! There’s quite the fight against the door, with a hammer, he falls down the stairs, a lamp explodes, and Freddy catches fire and mom’s apparently still asleep in bed.
• Oh, crap. now I feel a little bad
• Oh! happy ever after and she’s giving up the drink. Good on ya mom. Too bad you just got defenestrated. Through. A. Door.
• ps. that car looks like it belongs to Betelgeuse with the top up. laaaame.

Oh, there might be some spoilers up there. So....if you’ve never seen it, I just saved you some time. You're welcome.

The Internet is a place

It seemed natural that the first real post goes to this, but comedy felt more important.  So here goes; post 3.


In spite of my knowledge that the internet is a series of knobs and tubes, and that at its very smallest it’s made of ones and zeroes, I should stop thinking of it that way.  I say this, because it’s become a sort of meta-net...thing.  It’s now more than simply the value of its parts.  This is probably why all of my other blog attempts failed miserably.  I saw only the mechanics of it.  I sent posts hurtling off into cyberspace hoping that someone would maybe find them.


What I should have done all along is realize that (much like myself) there’s a person behind the keyboard who may benefit (or not) from my wisdom (probably not) and insights (of which I have very few) so that maybe we can all feel a little less alone out here. 

I’m Pretty Sure the Zombie Uprising is Upon Us.

After reading scary news reports of a zombie ant fungus thing, and jellyfish that also happen to be immortal, I’m reasonably sure that we're all going to die. 


Probably not in that “we all die eventually” kind of way.  I mean in that “sharpen your cricket bat, we’re goin’ hunting” kind of way. This is further evidenced by The Walking Dead being back on TV.  It’s basically a how-to guide for living after the apocalypse (Although, if you are living after the apocalypse it might not have done its job).  This is not to be confused with the actual Zombie Survival Guide, which I’m sure is more useful than a show that basically says what not to do after someone does it and manages to get killed eaten blown up disappeared. 


The best part is that the CDC sent out an “Emergency Preparedness and Response” plan for zombie attacks.  No.  Really.  Sure, the method of EPR is basically the same for all disasters, but there is a lack of munitions on that list.  For those of you who say “and no flamethrower!” stop kidding yourselves.  Nobody wants to deal with a flaming zombie (zombie flambé).  That might in fact be the one thing worse than a regular zombie.  Zombie. On.  Fire.  


Although there does exist on this internet somewhere a zombie matchmaker site with intro questions like “I am a slow moving zombie seeking a fast moving zombie.”  


This is what our world is coming to.  


Can you even sharpen a cricket bat?