Another art piece...

A bit of a gimme post here...Just tossing this up, I'm hopeful that you can squint and see what's going on:

or, you know...maybe it's pretty obvious. As always, up for sale.

Stealing things from the internet: Vol 2: The Return of Hackneyed Writing: I’m going to lose my russians.

If Wil Wheaton can manage to start up his Radio Free Burrito again, I should at least pretend that something exciting has happened somewhere.



SO: Spend about 40 minutes listening to Wil: http://radiofreeburrito.com/2012/03/index.html  


Uh, I bought one of those tablet thingies. It’s cool and makes me believe yet again that we live in the future.
I’m super excited that the Hunger Games is impending in movie-land...just like every 14 year old out there. 


Community is back on the tv! About damn time NBC.



Hanna Hart did an MRE episode where she attempts to “eat” some military “food”. It goes as expected, I can’t decide whether Bud Light helped or hurt:

I’ve been slacking at life...worked at being better at ukulele, as that’s obviously an important life skill.  I am still reading the longest Stephen King book ever; The Stand: The Complete & Uncut Edition just.  keeps. going.  I mean, it’s really a solid read, it just never ends.  I’ve been reading it so long I got a cold, thought I would die (because that’s how it all starts in the book) and recovered with little fanfare and equal parts embarrassment and disappointment.  At 1152 pages Wikipedia tells me it’s 10 pages longer than his other epic: It.  (Un?)fortunately I already bought the movie for about $5 and so will be unlikely to read it.  Really I'm just saving myself a lot of time.


Oh, which brings me to Hearts in Atlantis which is really so much better than the movie and entirely worth reading, though the title really only pertains to the...second? story...which makes it a strange title for the movie, and also explains why it makes significantly less sense as a movie than it does as a collection of vaguely related stories.  If you’ve had no experience with either, read it first then watch the movie (if you feel like you have to). 


Ugh, coming up with nothing is challenging and I’m not into it today.  The winter that never was looks like it’s ended here, and with my natural comic timing, this can only mean that there will be a massive snow squall rip across the city tomorrow. 


In related news my comedic timing goes something like this:


Step 1: make vaguely inappropriate joke
Step 2: get tepid-at-best response, complete with awkward glances
Step 3: watch something terrible and entirely related to my joke happen
Step 4: feel like an insensitive shitbag
Step 5: repeat 1-4 as necessary.  


At this point I think I’ve checked Facebook 14 times in the last 20 minutes.  Nothing has changed.  Obviously I want to be done here.  I’ll try to come up with better stuff soontimes.

Internet Christians make me so....Changry!

Ok first, if you didn’t get that joke...go here (psst. It's youtube!)


Second. Internet Christians are fucked up. Listen, I understand that you like something you call god. You like it a lot. Right on. Good for you. Now here’s the trick. I was raised pretty Catholic. There’s something you didn’t know but probably-sort-of inferred because unlike you, I’m not really into bragging about religion. Here’s what I think: As a “christian” you haven’t bothered to make a real choice. Christianity is a giant umbrella under which specific things exist. Saying “Oh, I’m a Christian” is like saying “oh, I’m an indecisive moron. I believe everything a church doctrine says and will hate gays until the end of time.” Here’s another trick; Jesus didn’t hate anyone. Not one fucking person. He didn’t even find them mildly annoying. There might have been some misguided pity, but really he just figured everyone was equal. Everyone. For you right-wingers that includes the gays, for instance.


There’s a good target. Let’s believe gay folks are wrong. Wait, no because I heard once that some church-thing says that judgement is wrong. Something about “Let one without sin cast the first stone.” Let me tell you, none of us are without sin. That’s the legal jargon of the bible. NOBODY gets through this world without some sort of sin.


For those who skipped religion as a whole class; let’s review the Decalogue shall we?
Ps. That’s the Ten Commandments homeslice. I’ma punk out for a while. See you after all these “rules”

1. “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6. “You shall not murder.
7. “You shall not commit adultery.
8. “You shall not steal.
9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”

Cool, so to cover the bases the really important parts (which is why they’re commandments) basically fulfill god’s ego, keep a fanbase, and make you take a weekend. Oh, and try to be a good person. You know, just don’t suck.


So Internet here’s the critical points as far as I’m concerned:

1. Nobody says anything about hating gays. Back the fuck off.
2. Nobody says anything about how you’re better than anyone else. Back the fuck off.
3. Try to swear about god less. You know, as a precaution.
4. Take a day off. Even psychopaths take a day to relax once in a while.
5. Don’t fuck with your parents. They raised you, and since you’re alive they probably didn’t do so bad. That job did not come with a how-to guide.
6.  Don’t actively kill people. Pretty obvious, right? Oh, right. War. Fucked that up. Again.
7.  Don’t actively fuck people that are attached to others. This includes “conventionally married couples,” “gays,” “asexual partnerships,” and other “complicated relationships” that I’ve missed (sorry folks, I mean well. Keep me up on the lingo!)
1. to be fair, don’t passively fuck them either. I’m not sure that’s any better for your karma.
2. ps. if you don’t think anything after “conventionally married couples” is worth considering, then what’s “convention” really worth?
8. Don’t steal. This includes corporations. It’s bad for everyone. How would you feel if one day you woke up and everything you owned was gone because someone else decreed that they needed it more? Just think about other people, ok?
9. Don’t lie. In the US the 5th Amendment deals with this in a way. What the burning bush wants here is just be honest. The skin you save may be your own.
10. Stop keeping up with the Joneses. They’re not paying attention anyway. Moreover if they are, do the seriously not have anything better to do? Go do your own thing. But be a decent human being while doing so.

And that’s it. Get the message?


God doesn’t care if you’re gay.
He doesn’t care if you make a six figure salary.
He doesn’t care about what colour shirt you wear.
He doesn’t care that your child is going into pre-school with those “heathens.”
He’s pretty sure we’re all equal. Everyone. Why are you entitled to happiness but that guy or girl isn’t just because they don’t like the same things you do?
I hate American Idol. Does that make me a sinner?  So why is the kind of person I choose any more relevant?


Moreover, why does it change your life in any significant way?
If you say you’re entitled to cast that first stone, you’re lying. We’re all lying.


It’s how we do.


Oh, and before I fuck off to hang with the heathens, think about this:
The word of god is the word of god. The word of the church is man trying to make sense of it.


Posse out.
Do I need to point out that man is inherently fallilble, or did I imply that enough?
-Rhetoric OUT.

Cool stuff on the weebs

Hey so it's been a while and I have no excuse.  All two of my followers have probably lost interest, so this is really pointless.  Can't win 'em all, turns out life is not at all like cheating at cards. 



SO
Internet things you should know about:

My Drunk Kitchen...Hannah Hart is fucking ridiculous.  I have a very real desire to meet this classy broad in a not at all creepy way.  I had a hard time choosing which episode to include here, so you get to watch pizza.  I hope it's a good choice.  This comes with the recommendation to watch them all.  Because she swears like I do and it makes me feel better about making drunk apple cobbler.

There is also a music video.  Watch that for added puns and hilarity.  This is why god made internet happen...well, this and porn.  Put that in your brain.

Ok great...also, for you theatre nerds of which there are....probably more than one that read this thing by accident; I spread the joy of "Stage Manager Ryan Gosling" which makes me feel better about loving sticky notes and sharpies both as individual units and as combo-packs:

http://standbyheygirl.tumblr.com/

Bo Burnham is a funny dude, this is probably NSFW.  He's a little offensive but also deliciously punny.  I guess the moral here is that the internet is more for puns than the porn part....unless someone makes a porn pun website...then the cycle is complete.  This makes me wonder about internet christians.  Do they wander around like the only guy that didn't get laid in Sodom and Gommorah?  Let me tell you, the internet is not penitent:

 

Welp, hope this was an adequate slacker post for everyone. See you next time.

That SOPA thing...

All right, it's confusing. You don't think it applies to you, but it does. If you haven't heard it's the "Stop Online Piracy Act" that's currently floating around the US Congress. The trick here is that it's bad. I understand piracy is a problem. Now, before you get all "it's stealing!" about it consider this:
I enter your home and take your cat. That's stealing. 
I enter your home and clone your cat, take it and leave the original where I found it no worse for wear. There are now two cats. That's piracy.


Now the big thing here is basically for anyone who uses the internet for....anything remotely multimedia like. 


It changes the ball game. This guy is really eager and wordy and a bit of a nerd; but being the internet that we know and love he can be all these things and still be right. Also, the internet gives me the right to say that. Freedom of speech and whatnot. 
Check it:

K. Got it? SOPA = BAD.


The bill is set to go first thing once Senate opens on the 24th. You want to know how I know that? The internet. You know what would change? My ability to know things like that. 


Steve Niles (a comic book guy) said this: "SOPA does more than go after so-called 'piracy' websites...SOPA takes away all due process, shuts down any site it deems to be against the law without trial, without notification, without due process...Nobody seems to give a shit, or either they’re scared. Either way, very disappointing. I guess when it affects them they’ll get mad… I know folks are scared to speak out because a lot of us work for these companies, but we have to fight. Too much is at stake."


Also got that from wikipedia. It's like a font of knowledge up in here.


I recommend you go and read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_Online_Piracy_Act
Then go back and read it again. 
Get it in that head of yours. 


Now go find your soapbox.

Making English Less....Bad-like

Just in time for another entry! Today the copy of “The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White came in. If you don’t know what this is, you are entirely normal. You may (or may not) have taken an English class in high school. It’s a reference book, and it’s pretty bad at that. Sure it’s accurate; it’s glaringly accurate. Some of the acclaim on the back makes bold statements like “Buy it, study it, enjoy it. It’s as timeless as a book can be in our age of volubility.” (NY Times)

Author’s Note: I had to google ‘volubility’ too. Let’s go with ‘fluency’


Here’s the problem; it’s really hard to enjoy this kind of book. Rather it was hard to enjoy this kind of book. Along with “The Elements of Style” I also managed to purchase “The Elements of Fucking Style” by Chris Baker and Jacob Hansen; it’s basically a clone of the first one. Except it’s better. Headings include “A dash is more useful than a fucking Swiss Army Knife,” “Paragraphs make you look smart,” and “Symmetry is the tits.”


The bonus here is that I’m not only super-paranoid that someone is going to call me on how awful my blogrammar is but it also makes me want to correct it. Neat huh? I’m pretty sure they should use this version when they’re explaining shit in school. Nobody cares about the following:
“The best way to see the country, unless you are pressed for time, is to travel on foot.”

Sure it’s an easy rule to remember, parenthetic expressions being what they are, it’s sort of how they roll.
Everyone is going to remember this rule with this exemplar:
“The best way to deflower a virgin, unless you’re a sadist, is to bite down on her ear as you slide it in.”

See? You can’t un-remember that. This is why it should be the new standard. Sure it’s funny, sure it’s offensive, but you know what? It’s still accurate. It accomplishes exactly what the real book does with more whimsy, and examples that are going to stick with you.

 It’s $10 and 86 pages of unmitigated awesome. Go get you some grammar, son.


Peace out.

Star Wars Holiday Special

I heard a rumor that this thing existed, and that it was 2 hours of god awful bad. So bad in fact, that it goes good again but instead of stopping there, slaps good in the face for another go-round at bad.



I’ve worked on acquiring this and we’ll see how it goes.
Man, this shit takes forever to download...seriously it took till like...2 am. This does not bode well.


It looks like a terrible tv special...which is probably the point. Chewbacca has a family....which is unrelated to Bea Arthur or Jefferson Starship. I’m pretty sure. It's hard to tell because they're all in this thing.


Please note: Chewbacca got all the looks in the family.

Why are we killing time with the holographic acrobats?
And like so many holiday specials, looks like Chewie’s not making it home for life day.


Oh god...I can't do this anymore. Do me a favour and go here instead. Read that, and then never speak of this again. George Lucas had that right at least. 

Merry Christmas yo. Your gift is not watching this made for tv special. You'll thank me later.
Unless it gets a post on teapotrobot. Then I'm wrong.


But it's still terrible.