Star Wars Holiday Special

I heard a rumor that this thing existed, and that it was 2 hours of god awful bad. So bad in fact, that it goes good again but instead of stopping there, slaps good in the face for another go-round at bad.



I’ve worked on acquiring this and we’ll see how it goes.
Man, this shit takes forever to download...seriously it took till like...2 am. This does not bode well.


It looks like a terrible tv special...which is probably the point. Chewbacca has a family....which is unrelated to Bea Arthur or Jefferson Starship. I’m pretty sure. It's hard to tell because they're all in this thing.


Please note: Chewbacca got all the looks in the family.

Why are we killing time with the holographic acrobats?
And like so many holiday specials, looks like Chewie’s not making it home for life day.


Oh god...I can't do this anymore. Do me a favour and go here instead. Read that, and then never speak of this again. George Lucas had that right at least. 

Merry Christmas yo. Your gift is not watching this made for tv special. You'll thank me later.
Unless it gets a post on teapotrobot. Then I'm wrong.


But it's still terrible.

I was going to write about the Star Wars Christmas Special...but this is more important.

Here’s how it lays out; I was picked from that giant voter pool for jury duty a few years ago (I escaped it by having my name not be drawn in the courthouse). Here’s my beef: While I was there, a number of peoples names were drawn to stand as a jury of their peers. More than the requisite twelve. Many more. You want to know why? Because we all dodge our civic duty like it’s diarrhea plague. YEAH. It’s that fucking terrible to do your civic duty. You can tell that because I used the term “escaped” in my justification. It’s clearly like pulling teeth. I’m not sure if the worst part is that we think it’s so horrible to do our job, or that we decided to put such a low value on the importance of the justice system. I don’t know.


Of these, there was a disproportionate number of people that when called up, as their reason for not being part of this trial stared straight down at the floor mumbled “I’m a racist” and were excused. THEN THEIR SOUL DIED. Just a little, but you could see it. When did it become better to admit you hate an entire skin tone than to lose a couple days work (by the way, if you legitimately can’t afford to lose a couple days work, you show valid reason and you get exempt). Seriously. I’m reasonably sure that people who actually are racist aren’t cognizant enough to realize it’s a reason to be excluded. Even the judge looked disgusted. It’s worse than wetting yourself in public. You’re telling a room full of people that (because this city is always smaller than it seems) next time you cross paths, you get to say “Oh, I remember you! You’re that racist!” And then they (potentially) get beaten on the street. What’s left if we sell out our beliefs to save a little hassle? It’s like blowing this totally out of proportion and saying “Oh, child molestation isn’t that bad....I mean, they’re going to learn all about that stuff eventually.” As you watch all your moral fibre go straight down the shitter. I mean, it’s not like anyone votes anyway. What’s the point? My party never wins. Fuck’s sake. (If you couldn’t tell that’s sarcasm, and you should leave right now before someone comes up behind you and molests your skull with a chair.)

I’m hoping you know where I’m going with all that....I got distracted by a dream I had a couple nights ago where I was chilling at home and was getting semi-automatically shot at by someone in the forest across the street (which doesn’t exist in real life). I distracted them for a while by throwing shirts around and they’d shoot at that while I tried to call 911 and repeatedly got a busy signal. I think at some point they got smarter and I got a cop who didn’t believe me. The important part is that I didn’t get shot and the police never showed up.

That is where all this complacency is heading. Just a warning. Random shootouts, busy Emergency Services line. “Oh well, maybe it’s how it’s supposed to end...?”

Get out of here and figure this shit out on your own. Goddamn.

This is why Nobody likes you - Kat 0: Cops 2

Here’s how it plays out: Niagara cops are assholes. I mean not the jerky “all cops are assholes” kind of way, I mean a special kind that hates people. ALL people, and probably everything they stand for. And their pets. They probably even hate kittens, guys.

The first part goes down like this: I pull around a corner off the highway after almost getting sideswiped by some old guy in a beige buick who decided he could up and ‘merge lane’ right into my car; and lo, at the bottom of the hill is a cruiser. Just waiting. I’m aware I’m probably going a little fast and slow down. Nope, I’m going a lot fast. This fellow reduces my ticket some on the vague justification that I’m not from the area and just be more careful, ok? Sure. I can see the 80kph sign just ahead of my car. The stunning Niagara police force has found the 100m section of one road that happens to be a 60 zone (apparently) and pick off everyone. I can say this with relative certainty as I went by the same place the next day and lo, there was a cruiser in the same damn spot, just past the 60 sign, almost right beside the 80 sign. Jerks with a quota I tell you.

Part 2: going home today I’m traveling down a highway at the posted limit I come across three or four cruisers across the road. Nobody is directing traffic, so I idle up to the nearest car and have the guy roll down his window...and the conversation goes something like this:


Me: “Hey, how do I get through this?”
Him: “Not this way, obviously.”
Me: “Right, I’m new to the area and don’t know my way around. Where do I go?”
Him: “Turn around and hang a left and another left.”
Me: “Great, thanks” 

Which I did, because despite looking like an idiot I’m capable of following directions. Except that they landed me in the middle of fucking nowhere. Why? Probably because he hates kittens, like I said.
Also, I’m offended by the ‘obviously’ in his statement. It wasn’t obvious at all jerkoff. That’s why I asked. It looked like there was room to get through. It’s a valid question. Get out of your damn car and set up a proper roadblock or something.


Stop harassing me about road safety, harass the guy that tried to merge into my car. I know how to drive. How about bringing down your violent crime rate so I don’t feel like I might be getting robbed while I sleep? huh?
Oh wait, you’re probably paid off by the big Italian Mob families that run the whole area (seriously). Never mind. I’ll go sleep with the fishes. 


Man I hate this place.

Getting Philosophical Up in Here: Freedom OR The Price of True Autonomy

It is challenging to define freedom in a non political way in the current day and age. Most will point to political freedom as a true and just example of what the concept entails, however this is inaccurate at best.


Philosophical freedom is more complicated and, in my opinion, terrifying if realized. The concept of philosophical freedom, like so many things, comes from within.


The first realization is that true freedom (that is, the act or ability to be free) is not something that can be bought or sold. It is not something that can be thrust upon others and it cannot be declared for an individual or group. It is all in your mind.


The trick is not to apply this to everyday life. That is the misunderstanding we have when we consider the US to be free, and somewhere like the Republic of Rwanda to be not. This is political freedom and has very little to do with freedom itself and much more to do with liberty. Within Liberty you have greater choices, but none of them fall completely under the realm of freedom. One does, after all, have to pay taxes, earn a living and gain even a basic education.


With liberty you get rights which is important if you believe in social programs, health care, or education. True freedom guarantees none of these. True freedom, I think, means that you have the ability to do whatever you like. As far as I’m concerned this includes the choice to contribute to a society, or not. The choice to be employed, the choice to live with wolves instead of people, etc. It is the unyielding realization that the whole world is open to you if you want it.


Freedom realized, is very much like the concept of generating hypotheses outlined in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance finding the first hypothesis is challenging. After that, it’s nearly impossible to not find something to test. It’s a multiplying effect. The staggering incapacitation comes only from the fact that we as people only have social obligations because we decided to. It’s easier to exist in a society that tells us what to do than to be faced with daily decisions about what to do, how to do it. We take orders and adhere to laws because it’s easier than making it on our own.


Freedom of expression is an interesting one though. Society as we know it allows for this freedom. We fight for it and call it art or individuality.


There is a concept out there though, that has something to do with self assuredness. It is one in which a person, an individual, is so comfortable with themselves that they don’t find any need to express it. They are not trying to prove anything to anyone. it has something to do with the shakiest opinions being defended by the loudest voices. You see the result of those people in the millionaires that won’t buy new shoes, or the IT personnel that won’t own a cell phone. They don’t have anything to prove to you or themselves. They don’t require that reassurance. They know where they stand.


Capitalism must hate these people. They have no reason to buy the latest of anything. Aside from replacing a broken piece of equipment, the only reason we need new things is because we’re told we do. We’re led to believe that we will no longer be accepted by our chosen peer group if we don’t get a new phone, car, laptop or set of clothes every year.


This is all our own fault. We cashed into a system by which we keep buying things to keep the economy moving. That’s the ball game. When people discover the inner freedom that says they don’t have to keep up with anything and stop desiring new things and thus buying new things, the economy gets mad. Prices go up on necessities, because you need to buy those. The value of a dollar goes down so you must keep working to buy those things and oddly enough, the price of luxury items goes down, because there is an excess, but mostly because they’re trying to restart the buying cycle. That coat you don’t need doesn’t cost nearly so much comparatively speaking. That's how they get you.

This one’s probably not a winner: Zebras - What was evolution trying to prove?

So here’s how I think it probably went down.



Aside from that whole random genetic mutation thing, there’s these guys that I like to call the “evolution team.”  They probably have matching shirts or something.  So like most companies, they’ve got ‘nose to the grindstone’ guys who do things to spec and all that... 


Then there’s the zebra guy.  He was probably told to build horses or something. 


Anyways, so he probably got bored because, let’s face it: horses are pretty much all the same.  “This one gets hairy feet...”  “fine, fine”  “This one’s really tiny.”  “yeah, yeah...”


But zebras! They were left to the guy with the ill fitting jumpsuit that just never gets clean. So I feel like it went something like this:


“Dude”
“I know, right?”  he says with a sheepish grin
“What the fuck is that?”
“It’s a horse, man!”
“...That’s not at all what a horse looks like.”
“It’s close though, right?” As he shuffles his feet, looking desperate
“Well, you got the chassis down...”
“It’s the racing stripes, right?”
“The what?”
“Racing stripes...makes it go faster.”
“...We haven’t invented half those things yet.”


But lo, it was awesome.  And Todd, the Evolution Guy invented the zebra.  It was said that they befuddled many a cheetah with their incongruous speed, for fast it did appear though they were no harder to catch.  Though the cheetah did note the stripey meat to be tastier than their solid coloured brethren. 


Todd didn’t last long as an evolutioneer, what with his artistic flair, but before he left he gave us a few gifts; we have Todd to thank (incidentally) for both “intelligent design” folks and the human eye (probably humans entirely) which I’ve been led to believe is a foundation of the “irreducible complexity” issue.


Thanks Todd.

Turns out 6 Posts is Sort of my Limit (also something about Llamas?)

Ahh...crap.  So this gets harder when you don’t have any new zombie news, which (by the way) I attribute to halloween being over.  Thanks “Holiday.”  More importantly though, I don’t want my strange visitors from Russia getting the wrong idea about this thing.  Also, I don’t want to get yelled at in Beer Club tonight.  So post time it is...Huzzah.


Seriously though, Russia how did you find me?  I tried the search engine that “apparently” brought you here and I’m not in the first FIFTY PAGES...at least!  I got distracted after that.  Welcome anyway.  I didn’t mean to single you out, but I’m nearly certain that I don’t know anyone in Russia...although I’m not putting it past anyone to have tabs on me.  We may be in another cold war for all I know.  


ps. if we go all cold war in like...2 weeks... It is not my fault, and no matter how you slice it I’m never going to admit I “called it”  That’s how you wake up dead.  I’ve seen Police Academy 4.  This shit goes down ALL THE TIME.  That needed both capitals and italics; because I’ve decided that’s the sarcasm mark, which made me look up tilde’s where I actually meant schwa.  ALL because I wanted to share the schwa llama with you because the Internet needs more llamas and memes (half that statement is true).  Llama! 

And for everyone hiding under a rock for the past eleventeen years (it was louder than I expected, notch down on your volume a tad):

Ok. THAT may have started the cold war back up...just now.  Must be Thursday.


This is how my brain works.  Get used to it people.

Finished another...whatever.

Someone, buy this stuff...it's starting to build up like an unhealthy addiction. Place your bets.

Why the Zombie Apocalypse is Good for America

• Reduce overcrowding: not everyone gets to be a zombie or a survivor. Some (un)fortunate souls get to actually die.
• If it spreads anything like the plague it’ll wipe out the big centres first; farmers can probably keep generating food for a while and we can stop worrying about the economy because New York and LA are just hotbeds of disease. Zombie Disease.
• It’s like a war. Which, you know, always boosts the economy...right? *ahem*
• You’ll probably stop hearing from religious fanatics: They’ll assume it’s armageddon (which it could be) and try to get ‘saved’ (whatever that entails) which as far as I’m aware usually involves ‘leaving this world for another’ everyone wins.
• If those guys are gone, you can probably have their guns. Which is good. You’ll ned them to keep the horde at bay.
• Illegal immigrants will find a much more hostile welcome than guns and barbed wire. It’s almost like a security system if you can trap them zombies between the fences.
• You’ll make friends. Nothing brings a country together like being the sole survivors.
• You will probably meet the guys that cut themselves off from civilization during the cold war. They will teach you things it took them years to figure out. Fast-track your education.
• Housing prices will drop.
• You won’t have to worry about all that national debt.
• That pesky obesity ‘epidemic’ seems really like a moot point. The ones that can’t run will probably die. The ones that can will suddenly find their cardio workout very important.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (no, the real one.) Sort-of review

In true halloween spirit, I decided to start watching the natural favourite scary movies.  Now, I’m not so much talking about the Saw series, or Paranormal Activity or anything.  The ones I manage to have are apparently considered classics.  Nightmare on Elm Street apparently falls into this category.  Apparently.


So I jotted down some notes that I’m going to share here:

•  I forgot Johnny Depp was in this movie!  I’m relieved he shows no pirate tendencies and I’m led to believe that he didn’t get drunk or ask for rum even once.  So thanks for actually acting in this one.
•  In spite of the apparent underage pre-marital sex (this was 1984 after all) Tina totally got what she deserved.  Something impales itself in your window and the first thing you think is “oh, I’m going to see what’s creeping around my backyard trying to kill me.”  I know this particular subgenre was kind of underexplored by this point, but come on.  Having sex doesn’t destroy your logic that way.  Go have a Psycho shower instead.
• I just remembered Evil Dead already existed by this point.  Fail Tina, just fail.
• All these people have the worst parents ever. Oh, turns out one’s a drunk; bonus. That explains it. I wonder what they’d react like if their kid came home after a shootout at school. “it’s in your head sweetie. Here, have some vodka, get some sleep.”
• When Nancy ends up in a sleep clinic what the hell do they think they’re going to measure with an electrode in her jaw? They know picking up radio signals with fillings is a hoax...right?
• AND they try to get her to sleep again? Clearly they’re not seeing the big picture here. Sleep was the problem in the first place. Geez. Get a clue "science."
• Glen is now officially the worst sidekick ever. “Just stay awake” is your only instruction, and you’re a teenager, and you can’t bother to stay awake past midnight?! Clearly the director never had a conversation with an actual teenager.
• I am impressed at Nancy’s work ethic while mom’s passed out on booze. Wait. Why is she tucking mom into bed? Where was drunkie while her daughter was making crazy noise? Worst parent ever.
• But she’s forgiving her...clearly we’ve missed a scene in here somewhere...right?
• HOW IS MOM ASLEEP THROUGH ALL THIS?! There’s quite the fight against the door, with a hammer, he falls down the stairs, a lamp explodes, and Freddy catches fire and mom’s apparently still asleep in bed.
• Oh, crap. now I feel a little bad
• Oh! happy ever after and she’s giving up the drink. Good on ya mom. Too bad you just got defenestrated. Through. A. Door.
• ps. that car looks like it belongs to Betelgeuse with the top up. laaaame.

Oh, there might be some spoilers up there. So....if you’ve never seen it, I just saved you some time. You're welcome.

The Internet is a place

It seemed natural that the first real post goes to this, but comedy felt more important.  So here goes; post 3.


In spite of my knowledge that the internet is a series of knobs and tubes, and that at its very smallest it’s made of ones and zeroes, I should stop thinking of it that way.  I say this, because it’s become a sort of meta-net...thing.  It’s now more than simply the value of its parts.  This is probably why all of my other blog attempts failed miserably.  I saw only the mechanics of it.  I sent posts hurtling off into cyberspace hoping that someone would maybe find them.


What I should have done all along is realize that (much like myself) there’s a person behind the keyboard who may benefit (or not) from my wisdom (probably not) and insights (of which I have very few) so that maybe we can all feel a little less alone out here. 

I’m Pretty Sure the Zombie Uprising is Upon Us.

After reading scary news reports of a zombie ant fungus thing, and jellyfish that also happen to be immortal, I’m reasonably sure that we're all going to die. 


Probably not in that “we all die eventually” kind of way.  I mean in that “sharpen your cricket bat, we’re goin’ hunting” kind of way. This is further evidenced by The Walking Dead being back on TV.  It’s basically a how-to guide for living after the apocalypse (Although, if you are living after the apocalypse it might not have done its job).  This is not to be confused with the actual Zombie Survival Guide, which I’m sure is more useful than a show that basically says what not to do after someone does it and manages to get killed eaten blown up disappeared. 


The best part is that the CDC sent out an “Emergency Preparedness and Response” plan for zombie attacks.  No.  Really.  Sure, the method of EPR is basically the same for all disasters, but there is a lack of munitions on that list.  For those of you who say “and no flamethrower!” stop kidding yourselves.  Nobody wants to deal with a flaming zombie (zombie flambé).  That might in fact be the one thing worse than a regular zombie.  Zombie. On.  Fire.  


Although there does exist on this internet somewhere a zombie matchmaker site with intro questions like “I am a slow moving zombie seeking a fast moving zombie.”  


This is what our world is coming to.  


Can you even sharpen a cricket bat?

That's it?

Like so many things in life....it's that easy.


BLOG'S UP BITCHES!